I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

To me, comedy is a game.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.