I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

I realized with Broadway everything written for black people is usually written in the past, and I'm kind of a contemporary guy. I don't think you want to see me in 'Raisin in the Sun'.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

There's some downsides to being famous, which are not even worth mentioning. But to combat the bad sides of being famous, you really should take advantage of the good sides. The good sides are, you can use that fame to get projects you might not normally get.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.

Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.

If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.

I don't believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don't believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material; you're trying material.

I love what's happened to me, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be the president of the United States.

I'd like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie.

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.

Simplicity is hard to build, easy to use, and hard to charge for. Complexity is easy to build, hard to use, and easy to charge for.

My biggest concern is the abundance of public doubt and misunderstanding when it comes to Twitter's vision and the near future for the service.

There are two reasons to pursue diversity and inclusion. One, because you believe one group has benefitted from hundreds of years of discrimination, or two, maybe you don't like that women make 73 cents on the dollar compared to men.

Funny enough, the person who is most bummed out to hear I won't be back is Mark Cuban. Despite what you might surmise from on screen, he and I are actually good friends - just really competitive good friends.

When someone comes in with a product they want in Bed Bath & Beyond, that's way out of my comfort zone.

I was in the room when Sundar convinced Eric Schmidt that it would be possible to unseat Internet Explorer as the world's most popular browser.

I think there wouldn't be a Net neutrality debate in this country if we really had a competitive environment for access.

If you follow my tweets, you know, my attention and anxiety have been increasingly focused on the plight of our democracy.

Buckminster Fuller - he never lost faith in the goodness of humanity.

If Twitter genuinely wants users to buy things at scale, they have to give us a chance to consider the offers and make a decision in a matter of minutes/hours/days, not just seconds.

I don't have a boss or PR person, so I'm accountable to no one.

There is a greed case for diversity. Diverse perspectives bring us into markets we didn't know existed.

When you get into investing, your default stance should be 'No,' because most deals suck. Most deals won't make money. Most companies will fail.

2009 was one of the busiest, most insane, stressful periods in my entire career. I was raising a bunch of money, buying a bunch of Twitter. I saw my friend fired as CEO of Twitter. Uber was growing like a weed. As these companies get bigger and bigger, there's more and more friction. Being public was the last thing I wanted to do at the time.

American computer science grads often have very little exposure to the human condition. They've rarely had manual labor or service jobs. They grow up in a bubble of privilege lulled into thinking this country is a true meritocracy.

I have definitely refocused Lowercase Capital on later-stage deals and my existing portfolio.

In the earlier years of my career, I made my own attempts to fit in and be accepted as one of the tribe of Sand Hill Road guys.

Work at a place like Google for awhile: if you do an interview and you say all the right things, no one really cares. But the day you say the wrong sentence, it's attributed to 'Senior Google Executive,' and the stock moves, and everybody hates you.

I'm also launching a podcast. Because, I mean, the world desperately needs another podcast, am I right? Not to be a tease, but the format is different from anything else I've seen out there, and the subject matter is hopefully boundless, eye-opening, and a little cathartic.

I succeeded at venture capital because, for years, I rarely thought about or spent time on anything else. Anything less than that unmitigated full commitment leaves me feeling frustrated and ineffective.

If Trump publicly commits to embrace science, stops threatening censorship of the Internet, rejects fake news and denounces hate against our diverse employees, only then it would make sense for tech leaders to visit Trump Tower.

George Winston piano albums have been my go-to since junior high.

I'll miss working with Mark, and all of the other Sharks. Each of them has been incredibly generous and warm to me, and I am proud of all the episodes we made together.

I have learned a ton about inventory, co-packing, wholesaling, end caps. All these concepts are easy to breeze by in what I do for a living or assume that there is a marketing manager or specialist in one of our companies that handles that.

One of the things that struck me is how authentic 'Shark Tank' is. I don't know how more real it can be. You have no prior knowledge about the entrepreneurs.

I spent a lot of time learning how to define myself internally rather than externally. I learned how to care less about external validation. I think that's given me a renewed confidence in speaking out loud. I kind of don't care what people think about me. I feel a lot more confident in saying what I believe.

Uber has an information advantage, a computational advantage. There's massive structural advantages to the player who's smartest about how to deploy cars, where to deploy cars, how to adjust pricing dynamics, how to ensure supply of drivers - the party that understands best the behavior of riders.

Ride-sharing is one of the biggest math problems that's ever been approached, that's ever been attempted to be solved.

I have one of the self-driving Teslas; it drives itself periodically. It's a marvel of science, but it's still frightening. I think we've got a while before regulators and the general public wrap their heads around the path that will lead to the ubiquity of driverless cars. There's no doubt Uber will be a leader in that space.

When I first agreed to do 'Shark Tank,' they asked me to wear a suit, and I was just like, 'No. I can't. It'll end my career.'

A great idea can't succeed without a great operator. But rarely can a great operator squeak by with a bad idea. So, as pithy as it sounds to say 'It's all about the people,' I only invest when I think I have found the right team for the right business.

Travis Kalanick was and is the perfect person to lead Uber, a product I knew from day one was going to be big.