You can have all the advanced war methods you want, but, after all, nobody has ever invented a war that you don't have to have somebody in the guise of soldiers to stop the bullets.

If you want to know when a war might be coming, you just watch the U.S. and see when it starts cutting down on its defenses. It's the surest barometer in the world.

There is one rule that works in every calamity. Be it pestilence, war, or famine, the rich get richer and poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.

I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.

The French couldn't hate us any more unless we helped 'em out in another war.

You can be killed just as dead in an unjustified war as you can in one protecting your own home.

George Bernard Shaw of England stopped over just long enough to make one speech in Bombay, India, started a war and 100 Indians killed each other. That's what I call good speech-making. The only enthusiasm any of our speakers can rouse is a demand to kill the speaker.

The only real diplomacy ever performed by a diplomat is in deceiving their own people after their dumbness has got them into a war.

I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that Ive every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we cant confer with Costa Rica and come home with our shirts on.

There is two things that can disrupt business in this country. One is War, and the other is a meeting of the Federal Reserve Bank.

I will never joke about old soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of old times with old friends is the greatest thing in the world.

The whole trouble with the Republicans is their fear of an increase in income tax, especially on higher incomes. They speak of it almost like a national calamity. I really believe if it come to a vote whether to go to war with England, France and Germany combined, or raise the rate on incomes of over $100,000, they would vote war.

A king can stand people's fighting but he can't last long if people start thinking.

When you have helped to raise the standard of cooking, you have helped to raise the only thing in the world that really matters. We only have one or two wars in a lifetime, but we have three meals a day -- there's nothing in the world that we do as much as we do eating.

Women are not the weak, frail little flowers that they are advertised. There has never been anything invented yet, including war, that a man would enter into, that a woman wouldn't, too.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.

Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.

The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.

If you hear of anyone proposing my name for political office, please maim him and send me the bill.

What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.

It's not an act. I love it. It's totally original. People go, 'What's going on with this guy? Why does he sound so weird? What is going on in his brain. I don't know. Just one day I suddenly woke up with a new brain.

I've got mad energy for days. That's what people can't get their minds around. They say, 'Oh, he's going to crash.' They try to apply all these common terms to a guy who is not common. I don't fit into their little box.

People say you have to work on your resentments. Yeah, no, I'm gonna hang onto them and they're gonna fuel my attack.

A lot of people think Major League's called Wild Thing. As they should.

I knew if I got loaded I was going away for a while. People would say, Oh, you're just sober because you're on probation.

People can't figure me out, they can't process me, I don't expect them to. You can't process me with the normal brain.

I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they're never otherwise going to see in their boring, normal lives. And I gave that to them. I may forget about them tomorrow, but they'll live with that memory for the rest of their lives. And that's a gift, man.

A lot of people will say, "Oh, I got into acting because I wanted to explore my craft." They're a bunch of liars, unless they're Sean Penn, DeNiro or my dad. For the rest of us it was all about chicks and money.

Athletes become our heroes, because they're superhuman. They do things nobody else can do. They're better than 6 billion other people.

People misinterpret my passion for anger.

Dying is for fools. I'm proud of what I created. I exposed people to magic. I exposed people to things they would never see in their normal lives.

People say it's lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.

People ask all the time, "What are you thinking?" It's my least favorite question in the world. The last bastion of solace is my mind. It's an invasion.

as long as two people are still in the game.

There's always a chance for that (reconciliation) as long as two people are still in the game ... I mean alive -- that's in the game in my world.

The most damage I did was to myself and to the people who got caught in the maelstrom. The worst thing that happened was the overdose. But I didn't go in with three other dudes who overdosed with me. No, you overdose alone.

I had an epiphany later on what the sports highlight is for. The sports highlight is for parents, people that should be spending more time doing more important things. But it just bothered me when, I mean... who bathes in the ninth inning? Who bathes in the fourth quarter? I had to take a step back and really take a look at myself and the situation.

I've spent, I think, close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.

I think what drove me insane for a long time is feeling like I hadn't earned most of what I achieved because it came so fast.

I think I have a duty as a recovering guy to help, to make my knowledge of what I went through accessible.

A lot of people think Major League's called Wild Thing. As they should.

I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I'm extremely old-fashioned. I'm a nobleman. I'm chivalrous.

Early on, I used to think it was really cool and macho to jump out of the car and tackle the bad guy. But then when you see the stunts in the movie, you realize it could've been a lady in a poncho.

I just think the whole disease model of addiction is crap. It's rooted in fiction and junk science.

I don't want to get high with my kids, because then everything is different forever. That's so stupid, I think.

I usually have a song in my head. I'm thinking music, I'm thinking lyrics. Music helps me get to those moments. The moments between the moments.

I think the power of the mind is amazing, and we've barely scratched the surface of what it can do.

People ask all the time, "What are you thinking?" It's my least favorite question in the world. The last bastion of solace is my mind. It's an invasion.

I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time - and this includes naps - I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.