We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

So live that you would not mind selling your pet parrot to the town gossip

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else

I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

Common sense ain't common.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.

Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does

I don't know jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.

There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and his family. But he can't make a living for them AND the government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people.

As bad as we sometimes think our government is run, it is the best run I ever saw.

I don't make jokes. I just watch government and report the facts.

Will somebody please tell me what they do with all the Vice-Presidents a bank has? Why the United States is the biggest business institution in the world, and they got only one Vice-President and nobody has ever found anything for him to do.

Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.

How is the government going to get the extra taxes? Out of the rich, or just out of the poor, as usual?

People don't change under governments. Governments change. People remain the same.

There's a simple solution to our traffic problems. We'll have business build the roads, and government build the cars.

All I know is just what I read in the Congressional Record. They have had some awful funny articles in there lately. As our government deteriorates, our humor increases.

The business of government is to keep the government out of business - that is, unless business needs government aid.