"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"Everyone smiles in the same language."

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?"

"If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?"

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

"People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"

"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."

"We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."

"The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend."

"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."

"You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?"

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."

"Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"

"Religion is just mind control."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

"There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it."

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack."

"There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."

"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."

"I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him."

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

"And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me."

"My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!"

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."