"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."

"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."

"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."

"How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?"

"Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?"

"Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

"When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat."

"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."

"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."