"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose."

"A book is a gift you can open again and again."

"Nothing you do for children is ever wasted."

"I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it."

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

"Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough."

"You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories."

"One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining."

"The French have a new president, the British will soon have a "new "P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life."

"A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about."

"A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing."

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."

"Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that."

"God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny."

"It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars."

"That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average."

"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known."

"Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it."

"Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places."

"Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn."

"I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense."

"The most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that."

"Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."

"It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake."

"Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people."

"Know the quiet place within your heart and touch the rainbow of possibility; be alive to the gentle breeze of communication, and please stop being such a jerk."

"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?"

"We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass."

"When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal."

"The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose."

"Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor"

"Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it."

"It's important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of."

"Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic."

"I was afraid you had deceased,' he said. 'Or gotten engrossed in a long book."

"He was admired for never being at a loss for words and never wasting any either."

"Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it?"

"I have taken so many wrong turns and been so careless with precious things and managed to lose, or break, or leave out in the rain so much that I loved."

"You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog."

"The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable."

"A good newspaper is never good enough, but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever."

"Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon"

"If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here."

"Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity."

"The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future."

"Lutherans don't hold bingo games in the church basement. Lutherans are against fun in general, which is why for them, birth control has never been a big issue."

"Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to."

"Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week."