"But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men."

"The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is."

"That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie."

"Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns."

"You just got your nerd credentials back."

"Bloodless revolutions are rare."

"When the enemy gets to your citadel, your prided epicenter, everything's in play."

"We should stop worrying so much about the price of gasoline and start considering its cost. You really want to be patriotic? Don't change your car by putting a flag on it, change the car."

"True patriotism is doing something for your country."

"Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it."

"I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?"

"This is the opposite of the free market."

"We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us."

"It's not that we don't care--it's just that that we'd prefer not to get involved."

"Fascism is when corporations become the government."

"And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world."

"If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars, then you have to change your name from Eyewitness News to Guess What, You Guys?"

"Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers."

"I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed."

"America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent."

"The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people."

"New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I can not give a shit all at once."

"Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat their national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they're people!"

"We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home."

"Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape."

"He sold Syria way better than he sold this."

"I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself."

"I guess what's so frustrating about the drug movement is that it's not much of a movement that's too many stoners involved."

"If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis."