If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Half the people you know are below average.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”