I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”

I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”

What a nice night for an evening.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.