QUOTES by Mark Twain

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“December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February.”
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“Human pride is not worthwhile; there is always something lying in wait to take the wind out of it.”
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“You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.”
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“It's not what you don't know that kills you, it's what you know for sure that ain't true.”
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“What is joy without sorrow? what is success without failure? what is a win without a loss? what is health without illness? you have to experience each if you are to appreciate the other. there is always going to be suffering. it’s how you look at your suffering, how you deal with it, that will define you.”
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“Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty.”
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“Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.”
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“Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.”
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“Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”
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“It is easier to stay out than to get out.”
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“There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer them, or turn them into literature.”
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“I can last two months on a good compliment.”
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“All I care to know about a man is that he is a human being... he can't be any worse.”
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“She remained both girl and woman to the last day of her life. Under a grave and gentle exterior burned inextinguishable fires of sympathy, energy, devotion, enthusiasm, and absolutely limitless affection.”
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“If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.”
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“Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog.”
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“A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.”

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“Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.”
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“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”
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“Let us not be too particular. It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all.”
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“Jim said that bees won't sting idiots, but I didn't believe that, because I tried them lots of times myself and they wouldn't sting me.”
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“The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces through and reads the heart and the soul, finding there capacities which the outside didn't indicate or promise, and which the other kind of eye couldn't detect.”
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“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.”
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“Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.”
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“Peace by persuasion has a pleasant sound, but I think we should not be able to work it. We should have to tame the human race first, and history seems to show that that cannot be done.”
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“Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.”
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“He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'.”
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“When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.”
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“Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.”
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“If books are not good company, where shall I find it?”
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“In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.”
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“When we think of friends, and call their faces out of the shadows, and their voices out of the echoes that faint along the corridors of memory, and do it without knowing why save that we love to do it, we content ourselves that that friendship is a Reality, and not a Fancy--that it is builded upon a rock, and not upon the sands that dissolve away with the ebbing tides and carry their monuments with them.”
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“Plain question and plain answer make the shortest road out of most perplexities.”
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“What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. All day long, the mill of his brain is grinding, and his thoughts, not those of other things, are his history. These are his life, and they are not written. Everyday would make a whole book of 80,000 words -- 365 books a year. Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man -- the biography of the man himself cannot be written.”
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“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”
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“The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor: he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.”
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“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”
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“There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.”
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“A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.”
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“The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.”
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“for business reasons, I must preserve the outward signs of sanity.”
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“There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.”
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“No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.”
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“Great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.”
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“Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion.”
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“The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopt.”
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“Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are pliable.”
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“Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things which are involved in haunting and harassing difficulties and obscurities now.”
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