“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.”

“April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.”

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”

“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

“History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

“I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!”

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”

“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.”

“Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.”

“I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.”

“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”

“The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.”

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

“When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”

“Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.”

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

“To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”

“I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”

“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

“You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.”

“Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”

“Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.”

“I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.”

“In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.”

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”

“A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was gitting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn't ever going to grow dim or doubtful.”

“There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.”

“Obscurity and a competence—that is the life that is best worth living.”

“The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.”

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”

“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.”

“My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.”

“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightening that does the work.”

“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”

“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”

“Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.”

“It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.”

“I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.”

“A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.”

“Write without pay until somebody offers to pay.”

“Be good and you will be lonesome.”

“Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

“Don't wake up a woman in love. Let her dream, so that she does not weep when she returns to her bitter reality”

“The government is merely a servant -- merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.”

“Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”

“Unconsciously we all have a standard by which we measure other men, and if we examine closely we find that this standard is a very simple one, and is this: we admire them, we envy them, for great qualities we ourselves lack. Hero worship consists in just that. Our heroes are men who do things which we recognize, with regret, and sometimes with a secret shame, that we cannot do. We find not much in ourselves to admire, we are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.”