For all their compliments do verses pay? They mayn’t, yet these same poems make me gay.

If you don’t aim at an object, how the heck on earth do you think you can get it?

Do not hold to what you have. It is like a ferry boat for people who want to get across waters. Once you have got across, never bear it on your back. You should head forward.

If you make an ass out of yourself, there’ll always be someone ready to ride you.

If I tell you I’m good, probably you will say I’m boasting. But if I tell you I’m not good, you’ll know I’m lying.

To be humble to superiors is duty; to equals is courtesy; to inferiors is nobleness; and to all, safety!

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

I've got a funny old face. Someone described it once, and I think they were being kind, as character. But I know what they mean! I've never been that conventional. I suppose maybe it means that my face can look different in different lights, so I just try and sort of keep it simple when I'm going out, to still look like me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?