"Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, ''What will you have, sir?'' And I said, ''A glass of hemlock.''"

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

"I would have been long divorced if I got married."

"If you need to be bound to someone, then it's important to be married. If you are independent, then it's important to not be married."

"Our Nation must defend the sanctity of marriage."

"I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman."

"I know many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don't know one who wouldn't fall down the first open coal hole running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink."

"The first class opposition that appears in history coincides with the development of the antagonism between man and woman in monogamous marriage, and the first class oppression coincides with that of the female sex by the male."

"Never tell a secret to a bride or a groom; wait until they have been married longer."

"None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The record does not show that Adam and Eve were ever married."

"Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising."

"To have a successful marriage, a man must, on a fundamental level be scared shitless of his wife."

"There is something unnatural about marriage. These two people are not going to be the same people in a few years. The trick is to live your own life while sharing the same space."

"I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."

"Morality is suspecting other people of not being legally married."

"What is virtue but the Trade Unionism of the married?"

"It is most unwise for people in love to marry."

"Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity."

"Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us."

"Get married, but never to a man who is home all day"

"Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open."