My dad came over to the house... went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of money, and began to pass it out to the children... This was the same man who, when I was his child, I would ask him for 50 cents, this man would tell me his life's story.

Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).

Anyone who has brought up children knows that consistency has absolutely nothing to do with discipline.

The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when they say, I love children because they're so honest. There is not an agent in the CIA or the KGB who knows how to conceal the theft of food, how to fake being asleep, or how to forge a parent's signature like a child.

My wife and I have five children. And the reason why we have five children is because we do notwantsix.

In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to disciplne a child is still a mystery to most fathers and...mothers Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

All Children Have Brain Damage!

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children.

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.

When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.

We spoke to God about the children, and we were afraid to ask God for specific things. We thought that it might be too much. So we said to God 'Please give us a healthy child' and left it at that, not knowing that God is a generous God, but also has a sense of humor. And if you leave that much open for God, some wonderful jokes are going to come about.

Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.

Grandparents are God's gifts to children.

Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.

I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...

If you listen carefully to what a child is saying to you, you'll see that he has a point to make. So I listen. And I answer them just as seriously as possible. And if I don't know the answer, I'll tell them I don't know.

If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

Public education is a good foundation on which to build a better life for each of us. And if we want to prove to these children who never made the mess in the first place that education is worth the trouble, our schools have to inspire them so they can do what they ought to do.

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.

My children love my mother, and I tell my children, that is not the same woman I grew up with...That is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.

One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children-unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.

We are all anxious to be accepted. But if you have a strong mother and father who tell you that you don't have to dress a crazy way, or hang out with people who are looking for trouble in order to be loved and accepted, then half the battle is over.

Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.

There's a gap between people knowing what I do and really believing that I still do that - and wondering what it is I really do.

I see Obama as Sisyphus in the first four years. And nobody would speak about the size of the rock, or the elevation of the hill. All you hear people talk about is what he didn't do.

People say to me, 'Do you know who you look like?' And I say, 'I'm really tired of looking like that guy.'

When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing will win arguments and straighten people out.

There should be marches in every neighborhood every day telling the people about the negativity of drugs and how the drugs help us to behave negatively.

Social networking helps reach people easier and quicker.

There are some people who have trouble recognizing a mess.

People say children are charming because they tell the truth. That's a lie. I've got five of them. They only tell the truth if they're in pain.

I want all this loud profanity in the street stopped. I want people to think about choices.

Parents are people who yell and they yell and they yell and they yell. And you already have the point... and they're still yelling.

We've got to get the gun out of the hands of people who are supposed to be on neighborhood watch.

There should be more on television that uplifts people and shows them how to better prepare themselves for earning a living.

Too many people are waiting for Jesus to come along and cut your grass. And Jesus isn't going to come along and cut your grass.

I don't care what right-wing white people are thinking.

I am not going to give in to people who try to exploit me because of my celebrity status.

I love Twitter, but some people use profanity so much that at some point it's like saying, 'Pass the salt.'

Karl Malden was a good friend of mine, and he said, 'You draw the people to you,' and I guess that's what I do.

What people are tired of, the people who agree with me, what they're tired of is listening to that sound, the sound of the people who've given up.

Education happens to be something that all people, all cultures, need to embrace. Math, science, the words of the world. To be able to speak and be able to have clarity and to be able to think. Those are the greatest of gifts.

There's no tradition today except initials, 'CSI,' 'NCIS,' all the rest. Even with reruns today, people don't know there was a 'Dick Van Dyke Show,' or 'Andy Griffith,' or 'Cheers.'

Comedy Central is what these young people are viewing. The network speaks to their audience, which is saying, 'Give me fast jokes. Give me party stories and party language.'