The agricultural working people should be imbued with a thoroughgoing faith in socialism and steadfast anti-imperialist and class consciousness so that they can regard our style of socialism as their life and soul, love it ardently, and fight staunchly against the imperialists' moves for ideological and cultural infiltration.

For our country and people, October 10 is a meaningful revolutionary holiday when they celebrate the birth anniversary of the genuine vanguard of the revolution, its militant General Staff, which has taken responsibility for their destiny and leads them.

The history of our Party is just the path travelled by our great people: its might is their might, its greatness is their greatness, and its victory is the victory achieved by them.

The history of the Workers' Party of Korea is a proud course it has traveled shouldering the destiny of the people and leading the Korean revolution to victory under the guidance of the great leaders.

The cause of the WPK is a sacred historic cause for fully realizing the independence of the masses of the people, the cause of the Juche revolution.

In the gigantic and worthwhile struggle for achieving the country's prosperity and people's happiness, our young people have been educated in a revolutionary way and trained spiritually and physically, and have developed into a large, matchless contingent forming a thousand-fold, tens-of-thousand-fold fortress around the Party.

The great leaders called the working class first whenever difficult and gigantic tasks arose for the revolution, and ushered in fresh heydays of the revolution by relying on them.

The GFTUK is a powerful political instrument for training its members, including the working class, into Kimilsungists-Kimjongilists with unfailing loyalty to the Party and the leader and mobilizing them to implement the revolutionary cause of Juche.

The UAWK is a mass-based political organization of our socialist agricultural workers which was founded and has developed under the wise guidance of the great leaders, and a reliable transmission belt and peripheral organization of the Party.

The great Comrade Kim Jong Il provided energetic guidance to defend and honour Comrade Kim Il Sung's idea of and exploits in socialist rural construction and make UAWK organizations creditably perform their duties as organizations for ideological education.

Agricultural workers, together with the working class, constitute the main force in building a powerful socialist country, and the agricultural front is now a major thrust area in building the country into a socialist economic giant.

The political and military position of socialism should be further cemented so that it can be an impregnable fortress.

We should steadily intensify the work of establishing the Party's monolithic leadership system to make the whole Party share ideology with the Party Central Committee, breathe the same breath as it, and keep pace with it.

We should ensure that the people-first principle runs through the whole of Party work as appropriate for its nature as a motherly party to make the climate of respecting, loving and depending on them pervade it and Party work focus on improving their living standards.

The entire Party, the whole army, and all the people should conduct a vigorous forest restoration campaign to make the mountains of the country thick with forests.

Building a sports power is a patriotic undertaking aimed at translating into reality the plan and wish of the great leaders, who devoted their efforts to building ours into a country that prospers and grows stronger on the strength of sports.

The proud road travelled by Chongryon bears the imprints of the wise guidance and painstaking efforts of the great leaders, who strengthened and developed Chongryon into a Juche-based overseas compatriots' body that represents the rights and interests of all the Koreans resident in Japan.

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

My comedy is romanticized laziness.

The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

You're on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there's some kind of - at least for me, there's some kind of idea of control.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

I don't have any delusions. I'm not a novelist - I'm a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it's pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there.

For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of a television show is still there but if it doesn't offer a level of creative fulfillment, it's oddly unappealing.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?

I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is - I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.