I started doing little amateur nights at the comedy club that was right next to the restaurant that I waitressed in when I was in university. I was probably 22 years old. I didn't do it with any intention of making a career out of it; I had just always valued comedy.

I wasn't properly performing in Canada. I was just starting out, and when everyone starts out, they're terrible. I'm sure there are some Kellyanne Conway videos of me just really dying on a stage.

I was lucky to develop in the U.K. because I find comedy - in addition to being caustic - it's quite literary over here, and alternative comedy isn't so alternative.

People who like my stuff and know what my agenda is have never mistaken me for being racist or poking fun at the wrong thing.

I always tried to fit in, so I was a cheerleader with the orange skin and white-blonde hair, and Hooters was part of that.

In Canada, we just have rich and poor, but we don't constantly remind poor people about it.

I'm a single mother. It's silly to turn down work.

I was seen as a little weirdo. But I was certain I wasn't a weirdo. I knew who the weirdos were, and it wasn't me!

I'd never say something that I didn't feel I could defend.

I'm very careful not to tell a joke just to get a reaction.

The beautiful thing about comedy in the U.K. is that it has a clever twist to it, and when you really break it down, the joke isn't filthy at all: it's clever.

I'm a flirt by nature, and I like flirting with that line of what's passable and what's not, and I genuinely don't believe that I cross it.

I'm proud to be Canadian. But I identify as being a British mum.

I'm not a Rachel Dolezal. I don't fake tan; I don't have the cornrows, I don't misappropriate. I just want to be Beyonce.

My mother was a businesswoman; my grandmother was a businesswoman - it never occurred to me that life might be harder because you're a woman. It wasn't until later and I had a bigger sense of the world that I realised that.

Growing up, I loved comedy even before I knew that you could be a stand-up comedian.

I wanted to be liked when I was younger, which I think a lot of us do; I'm not ashamed to say it. I was a product of my environment, a product of my culture.

I don't know that I'd be a comedian if I stayed in Canada.

I've always been attracted to comedy that was really close to the line and made people a little uncomfortable, because that's where progress comes from.

I'm not a nasty person.

Fresh air and exercise. That's all you need to stay slim and feel better about life.

Social class has worked for years. Born into the right family, go to the right schools, even if you're not super bright to start with, you'll turn out bright. You go to the right university, you get the right job, you have the right connections, you'll make it to the top. Job done, very efficient.

I think overweight people are lazy and that they are bankrupting the country.

I will call out the lazy, the idle, and the ignorant. I will support the hard working, the industrious, and the law.

The Conservatives don't need more women. They need women like Karren Brady.

There will come a day when someone calls to tell me my column's been binned, and that will be a really hard day, and I've already got it set up so that they'll ring someone else first - because I don't want to be given that news when I'm walking down the street, because it will be really heartbreaking.

A state school class can only learn as fast as its thickest child. Your kid misses stuff, mine has to wait while yours catches up.

I admire Lady Gaga. She wears exactly what she likes, no matter how good or bad it turns out.

Weird things happen when strange men run for election. See Donald Trump for details.

It takes an awful lot to get me cross.

If you do a good deed, don't expect anything back - the other person can still be a complete git.

I've been no-platformed from every university with a strong Islamic faith community.

In my experience, people who think school is free fail to put a value on it or respect the opportunities it affords.

I am proud to be called the Queen of Mean, and I never mince my words - especially when it comes to fat people.

When you are bringing up your kids, you hope you have given them some sense of right and wrong, a sense of good and bad.

I want my girls to grow up learning that it is important their mum worked like a man.

Living in the 'Big Brother' house is a bit like living in hell. Only hotter.

When I hear a girl has had two babies by the age of 16, I think two things: Is she called Chardonnay, and what is she doing with her life?

Lots of people ask me, 'What do you do?' Apparently, being a columnist, TV bird, all-round good egg, mother of three, and wife of one is not sufficient for them.

I think you can tell a great deal from a name. For me, there are certain names that I hear, and I think, 'Urgh.' For me, a name is a shortcut of finding out what class that child comes from and makes me ask, 'Do I want my children to play with them?'

I've always said when age or infirmity gets the better of me, I'm off to whichever civilised country lets the elderly die with dignity.

I have seen many a tear-strewn individual during my time working on daytime TV's morning sofas: individuals encouraged to share their views, ill prepared for the backlash that social media will deliver direct to you, unregulated and unrelenting.

If you can afford to eat yourself fat, you can afford to pay to go to WeightWatchers if you think that is the answer.

Simply put, some people think they are above rules or even that rules are there to be broken. Once you start teaching that to your kids, this country is really in trouble.

Remembering servicemen and women who lost their lives for their country is not about you. It is not about your rights or what you believe in. It is about respect.

It's good that fat schoolchildren are no longer bullied, but it's worrying if they feel it's OK to be large because no one is pointing it out.

Being nice can make you feel very happy.

'Big Brother' reminded me that housemates should be aware of health and safety.

I am a big believer in fun for free.

I love Remembrance Sunday.