"Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke."

"You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies." Steve Martin"

"Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties."

"Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything."

"A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred."

"I have found that-- just as in real life--imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience."

"A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair."

"I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian."

"Or is it that I think too much?"

"Somewhere in the world is...The world's worst doctor and he could be yours."

"Why sip from a tea cup, when you can drink from the river."

"Hello. I'm hello, and I'd like to say myself."

"Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life."

"The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible."

"Be undeniably good."

"You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, 'This is art, and you can't do it."

"There are few takers for the quiet heart."

"...just remember, darling, it is pain that changes our lives."

"I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is."

"With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious."

"When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane."

"She was feeling her bohemian oats."

"Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized."

"…when the person beside you is making you alert and keen and the idea of being with anyone else is not imaginable…"

"How many people have never raised their hand before?"

"Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen."

"Anyway, seeking work is a tad difficult given the poor design of the streets with their prohibitive curbs and driveways that don't quite line up."

"Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey"

"Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation."

"So, I can hurt now, or hurt later."

"I just believe that the interesting time in a career is pre-success, what shaped things, how did you get to this point?"

"I just gave my cat a bath. Now how do I get all this fur off my tounge?"

". . . Now you see . . . they' re not fit for humans . . ." "Put them on me."

"Mirabelle is not affected by a man’s failures to approach her, as her own self-depreciating attitude never allows the idea that he would in the first place."

"I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."

"I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."

"She is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses."

"I opened the show with this line: "I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that's tomorrow night."

"...a young man, Jamaican, perhaps, his head circled in a scarf with sunbleached dreadlocks on piled on top, looking like a plate of soft-shell crabs."

"Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent."

"...the divided world of Aspen, where locals with a sense of entitlement were pitted against developers with a sense of condominiums."

"Being on Twitter is like having a fern."

"Introductions are hard to come by when your natural state is shyness"

"I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87."

"So, while fitting in, she was like a wicked detail standing out against a placid background."

"A kiss may not be the truth but it is what we wish were true.” L.A. Story (1991) – Harris Telemacher (Steve Martin)"

"All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies."

"If you occasionally wonder how I know about some of the events I describe in this book, I don't. I have found that--just as in real life--imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience."

"Be tasteless, rude, and offensive, Live in a swamp and be three dimensional, Put a live chicken in your underwear, Get all excited and go to a yawning festival."

"Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus Be dull and boring and omnipresent Criticize things you don't know about Be oblong and have your knees removed"