I read a script and I know immediately whether that role is for me or not.

Short of spending $10,000, there is nothing you can do to your head to hide the fact that you're going bald.

As young, hot actors living in Hollywood, you get even more attractive.

People have this view, 'Oh, you're in movies, your life is so glamorous' but it can really suck.

When it's going well, stand-up is the best thing in the world, but when it's not, it feels like all your toes are being pulled off one by one.

I don't actually go on the Internet that much.

I always find the most depressing stuff most interesting.

I dated a guy who played bad guys in movies all the time, and I think he was just a bad guy.

A boyfriend has so much to do with a woman blossoming.

I'm kind of harsher than most people.

When you're an actress, there are only a few times you can really get paid. One of them is doing a sequel. They can't fake you or hire another actor to play you.

I've made a career of taking roles that other actresses didn't want.

The standup thing has been really fun, really seeing the United States instead of reading about it.

Standup is just dirtier, a far more risque kind of thing.

Thank God for Stifler's mom. I don't know if life would be this fun if I didn't have that.

Usually, when you're an actress, you have to audition 20 times.

It ends up being a terrible movie if you try and please everyone.

I have a storage unit, as I moved out of a bigger house into a smaller house in L.A. I put all my stuff in a storage unit, where I have the most amazing collection of bad paintings, which took me 10 years to put together.

Keri Russell is one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen in my life. She's one of those girls that doesn't have that thing when you walk into the trailer in the morning, and your face is all bashed in - like a lot of actors, even the beautiful and handsome ones.

I get the gold-digger part six times weekly. I can play those women into the ground, but I don't want someone telling me that's all I can do.

When I walk into a video arcade filled with 16- or 17-year-old boys, I may as well be Marilyn Monroe.

When you leave L.A. and go to another city, guys are normal again. They like girls their own age.

I have the improv background, but stand-up is different.

If you're playing a character that someone doesn't like, that's okay, but if you're voicing your own opinions, they actually don't like you!

I wasn't funny. My brother was the funny one in the family.

I wasn't very good in my serious acting class. Sometimes people took our class so seriously, so I used to, sort of, make fun of people after class. And so a friend of mine said, 'Why don't you do the comedy thing.' That's how it all worked out.

I wanted to be a dramatic actress. Life doesn't go the way you think it's going to go.

The minute I started doing comedy, the doors opened.

The best thing about animated-feature people is that they are very laid-back people. You feel like you're showing up for a backyard barbecue.

Dating is... weird.

Unless you write your own movies... you can't really say what you want to say.

There's something about me that suggests I don't have an intelligent atom in me at all. So people say things to me that they wouldn't say to other people. Insulting, condescending things. They don't think I notice. But, of course, I'm taking it all in.

Stand-up is a weird animal. There are people who really want to know what you think about things, your opinion on life. But then there are people who think you're just that beautician in 'Legally Blonde,' who doesn't have opinions on anything. Or that I'm Stifler's mom and hot for it all the time.

When I go on 'The View,' or any of those talk shows, you really don't get to say what you want to say.

The British boys really, really go nuts... to them, an older woman is sexy, and it's an incredible fantasy... I think the American fantasy is still about men wanting control. Maybe American men don't feel as in control of their lives.

Younger guy are attracted to a strong quality.

A lot of those good-looking girl parts aren't very fun.

I've been many people. I've been the skinny girl. I've been the fat girl. Because I've become a character actress, I sort of fell victim to 'Well, I don't have to look good anymore.'

If I wasn't an actress and I wasn't Stifler's mom, my life would be so dull.

I've played a lot of weird women. I play crazy ladies, and I've played a lot of insane women and weird best friends that are not sexually desirable.

All the guys that entered The Groundlings, like Will Ferrell, already had incredible confidence, but I watched shut down women that didn't even have a personality completely become different human beings because of the training.

The odd things that people say to you are so much more hilarious than what you can come up with.

There are some people who make you feel less lonely.

Some people are really nice about it. I get Saudi princes and famous people stopping me in L.A. and saying, 'You're Stifler's mom. Can I take a picture with you?' But then you get people like her putting their camera in your face without asking. They think they can do whatever they like.

I was the cocktail waitress, and Sandra Bullock was the host, and this guy came in and persuaded me to try improv with Gotham City Improv.

I figured New York was the closest I'd get here in America to Scotland.

To be honest, sometimes I'm horrified because you don't really know what you look like. If I really knew what I was doing on-screen, I would try to stop doing it.

I always like to get a role where I think, 'Ah, I know this is probably going to be played like this, but I'm going to do it like this.'

I don't know what I am. I guess you can call me a character actor in the sense that I'll never be an ingenue. You know, that's over. My shot was missed. I take a normal person and make them more of a character. I don't know what that would be called.

It seems almost impossible to me that the whole world doesn't know CPR.