I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

To me, comedy is a game.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

People only have so much attention.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

Each time I'm training and sparring, I'm always pushing myself to submit my training partners.

MMA has the rudest, most negative, dumbest, ignorant fans in the world - but it also has the most passionate fans in the world.

I don't care if my opponents are cheating or not.

That's the beautiful thing about mixed martial arts - and I'll tell people that - you have to think outside of the box.

I'm not going to go out there and have these slugfests, but I'll go out there and dominate my opponent. That's what I do in my fight.

I worked a full-time job at a place call Caraustar. We recycle paper, then through recycled paper, we take it and we make V board out of it. If you buy a TV, a new couch, you see these little V boards that make like a V.

I always loved playing video games. It was something my mom did, and my sister played as well.

I can eat whatever I want, and I don't get over 145 pounds. A lot of the guys who fight at 125 pounds, they get pretty big, and when it gets closer to the fight, they're walking around at 135 pounds. For me, I try to stay the same weight I typically walk around at.

I think the reason I'm the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world is I beat everyone in my division.

I'm a good dad. I'm an evolved dad. You know, you see a lot of guys when they're in training camp, they go off, do their own thing. But I'm in the midst of it. Swim lessons? I'm there. Changing diapers, teething, doctor's appointments, I'm there 24/7.

Pay-Per-View is run by drama. It is. It's true. I've done the research for myself. You look at Jon Jones. When Jon Jones fought Machida, probably did about $200,000, $300,000. When he fought Cormier, they made, like, $875,000.