With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”

“My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – 

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.” – 

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” –

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – 

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.” –