"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?"

"He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150."

"I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money."

"It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defense Program to prepare our boys for anything"

"When you asked me how I was doing, was that some kind of joke"

"It's a wicked life, but what the hell, the stars ain't falling down."

"I was so much older then; I'm younger than that now. From the back pages"

"I define nothing. Not beauty, not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be."

"Mona Lisa must have had the highway blues; you can tell by the way she smiles."

"People disagreeing everywhere you look makes you wanna stop and read a book."

"The truth was obscure, Too profound and too pure, To live it you had to explode"

"The truth was obscure, Too profound and too pure, To live it you had to explode"

"I'm against nature. I don't dig nature at all. I think nature is very unnatural. I think the truly natural things are dreams, which nature can't touch with decay."

"It's like my whole life never happened, When I see you, it's as if I never had a thought. I know this dream, it might be crazy, But it's the only one I've got."

"I have to much money invested in sweaters."

"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"

"If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."

"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast."

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap."

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

"There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke. But you and I, we've been through that, and this is not our fate, so let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late."

"The only thing i knew how to do was to keep on keeping on"

"You don't necessarily have to write to be a poet. Some people work in gas stations and they're poets. I don't call myself a poet, because I don't like the word. I'm a trapeze artist."

"All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie."

"I failed to communicate, that's why I chose to leave"

"Money doesn't talk, it swears."

"Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're tryin' to be so quiet?"

"If ever asked to look at yourself, don't."

"You better start swimming, or you'll sink like a stone. Because the Time's they are a-changing."

"There's only one day at a time here, then it's tonight and then tomorrow will be today again."

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."

"Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning."

"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it."

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued."

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."

"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."

"I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!"

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."

"You've got to be rich to have a swing like that."

"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"`I adopted the old Navajo Indian trick of screaming and begging.' Wisecracking in the face of adversity."

"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."

"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there."

"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood."

"If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."