A stand-up act is almost like a pool. You know what I mean? It's like a pool, and you're always skimming little leaves out of it, messing with the chlorine level, putting up umbrellas. You're trying to make one little stagnant body of water perfect. Whereas a late-night show is like a river, always moving forward.

I wanted to be a pastor. I was going to be a youth pastor. I mean, I play guitar; I like to make people laugh.

It's true that in show business, a lot of times a producer will just not ever be there, not even be aware that a show is renewed or canceled.

When somebody comes across as authentic and genuine and sweet, people just want to spend time with that person.

I think it can be easy at a certain point to take it for granted that you can kind of perform whatever you want.

Every human being can relate to wanting their thoughts and their feelings to be accepted and rewarded and validated. So in that way, a stand-up is similar to almost any profession. It's very simply just someone who wants to be heard and live authentically and express themselves.

There's something about taking emotional and career and relationship humiliations, writing them, acting them out again, but then redeeming them in some way.

I love Batman to death.

I think a good comedian was probably bullied a little bit. Probably felt doughy and oblong and rhombus-shaped and strange and a little bit of an outsider, and then learned the healing qualities of comedy.

What people respond to is intimacy and regularity.

I'm not the hugest comic book person, but I do love superheroes.

I went and saw Letterman when I was 15, and that had a profound impact on me.

When you think about a festival from a comedian's perspective, it has to do with who else does it - that's number one. The second consideration - and this is kind of crazy - is: 'What's the food like? What is the town like? Is it walkable? Is it easy to get around?'

When you do stand-up, it's so autonomous: I can say anything.

I think what people respond to is someone being who they actually are.

I was raised evangelical, so if you want to get offended, let's get offended. I have a master's degree in being offended.

If I go out and do a set, there's a good chance that I'll watch another comedian. I'll think - not necessarily their words, but oftentimes the message that's behind the words - the sort of belief that their unspokenly advocating, well, sometimes that's offensive.

'Time to Move On' is my favorite song.

What I don't think I knew when I was young was that 'losing your faith' is actually part of the plan for a lot of people - that it's actually maybe the most beautiful and graceful thing that can happen. The mystery of God can handle all of it. It can handle all of your thoughts, all of your doubts, all of your folly. It's all in the game.

There's nothing you can do to increase or decrease the love that God has for you, but there are things you can do that increase or decrease your awareness of that love. That's certainly been my experience.

Every performer I talk to will, with different words, talk about the sanctity of a good standup show, how it can really feel spiritual. When everybody is laughing, fixed on the same thing, you feel like you transcend yourself.

I didn't like talking about my divorce. I think I viewed that as something that was embarrassing or a failure.

Starting the podcast was an experiment. I wouldn't say I was very private, but I was probably as private as the average person.

I'm a comedian. Comedians are supposed to be jaded, cynical, angry people. But I'm not: I'm a silly, silly fun boy.

I call myself 'Christ-leaning,' but that's primarily psychological.

I am a comedian. My brain is critical - it's overthinking - but you can find ways to turn it down and realize that's not who you really are.

Audiences sometimes emit these weird frequencies that make you think you've weirded them out.

People like Bill Burr and Jim Gaffigan and Zach Galifianakis and Sarah Silverman - they were all amazing and helpful to me.

The idea of saying 'the handsome Pete Holmes' is preposterous.

When I started, I was very deliberate about making friends with people like John Mulaney who were really funny and wanted to go up and do as many open mics as I did.

There's something about a podcast that feels like two people in a closet with the lights off.

Losing your faith is an essential part of having a three-dimensional, vivid, vibrant faith.

There are elements of comedy that can be competitive and back stab-y, but one of the underreported sides is that we love each other and help each other, kind of like a messed up extended family.

I'd walk through hell in a gasoline suit to play baseball.

It's a round ball and a round bat, and you got to hit it square.

Somebody's gotta win and somebody's gotta lose and I believe in letting the other guy lose.

If somebody is gracious enough to give me a second chance, I won't need a third.

See the ball; hit the ball.

The greatest competitor was Bob Gibson. He worked so fast out there and he always had the hood up. He always wanted to close his own deal. He never talked to you because he was battling so hard. I sure as hell don't miss batting against him, but I miss him in the game.

There's other ways to make your head and muscles bigger than just steroids.

Sliding headfirst is the safest way to get to the next base, I think, and the fastest. You don't lose your momentum, and there's one more important reason I slide headfirst, it gets my picture in the paper.

I'm just like everybody else. I have two arms, two legs and four-thousand hits.

Sparky Anderson taught me this a long time ago: 'There's three ways you can treat a person. You can pat 'em on the butt, you can kick 'em in the butt, or you can leave 'em alone.'

Obama's a great speaker. Because of his speaking ability and his appearance, a lot of guys got on board. Being the first African American, a lot guys got on board.

I met Gerald Ford. I met Richard Nixon. I met Jimmy Carter. I met Dwight Eisenhower when he was a general. George Bush senior. I haven't met Bill Clinton or George W. Bush, although I got a letter from him.

Never bet on baseball.

There is no doubt that because I am a switch hitter I have one of the best offensive advantages that a hitter can have.

Sometimes, when you don't have spark, someone in the dugout has to create something.

Willie Mays could throw better, and Hank Aaron could hit more home runs. But I've got enthusiasm. I've got desire. I've got hustle. Those are God-given talents, too.

Brooks Robinson belongs in a higher league.