I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.'

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

I was not an attractive child.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.

It's feast or famine in showbiz.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.

I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.