I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

Men want to make women happy.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

I like money, but it's never been about the money.

I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.

For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.

We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.

Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'

You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.

Stand-up is hard.

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen.

I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads.

When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake.