As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed.

I'm the kind of person that likes what I'm doing when I'm doing it.

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.

I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.

If you're wearing a Bluetooth thing and you've got that thing on your belt, you are working for somebody else. You are not the guy in charge. That's a really good social status indicator.

People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you don't feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don't have energy for anything. It's horrible.

I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me.

Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight.

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.

At 'Price Is Right,' people feel so safe there and loved. And if you can't jump around on 'Price is Right,' then you can't jump around anywhere, you know?

TV is easier: it's all planned out for you, and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up, but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over. To me, that's more pure.

Reality shows always look for the worst people.

If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

That's the great thing about having your friends around you. I've known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn't ask for a better work environment.

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.

I'm competitive at everything.

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make.

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.

I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything.

TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over.

The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.

There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game.

I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.

I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.

When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.

After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.

I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody.

I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind but getting my act good enough to be on 'The Tonight Show.'