The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.