“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” –

“At 20 a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.”

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” –

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.” – 

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” – 

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” –

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” –

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – 

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.” –

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.” – 

“Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.” – 

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” –

“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” –

“With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

“I was so poor growing up – if I wasn’t a boy – I’d have had nothing to play with.”

“I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!” – 

“I told my doctor I want to stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” 

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” 

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” 

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.” 

“The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.” 

“Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.” 

“The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.” 

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” 

“I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.” 

“Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.” 

“Love is a serious mental disease.” 

“One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.” 

“good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws” 

“Ignorance, the root and stem of every evil.” 

“The measure of a man is what he does with power.” 

“I'm trying to think, don't confuse me with facts.” 

“If women are expected to do the same work as men, we must teach them the same things.” 

“...and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment...” 

“There is truth in wine and children” 

“Those who tell the stories rule society.” 

“Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge. ” 

“The madness of love is the greatest of heaven's blessings.” 

“Education is teaching our children to desire the right things.” 

“There are three classes of men; lovers of wisdom, lovers of honor, and lovers of gain.” 

“In politics we presume that everyone who knows how to get votes knows how to administer a city or a state. When we are ill... we do not ask for the handsomest physician, or the most eloquent one.” 

“Courage is knowing what not to fear.” 

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.” 

“When men speak ill of thee, live so as nobody may believe them.”