After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.

Nothing real or truthful makes its way to TV unless you are smart and know how to sneak it in, and I would tell you how I did it, but then I would have to kill you.

I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.

I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.

I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!

I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.

As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?

I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.

You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.

Excuse the mess, but we live here.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.

A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.

I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

I couldn't possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!

Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox.

Rebel children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory.

Have you been out in society recently? 'Cause it's SHIT.

For me happiness occurs arbitrarily: a moment of eye contact on a bus, where all at once you fall in love; or a frozen second in a park where it's enough that there are trees in the world.

Be led by your talent, not by your self-loathing; those other things you just have to manage.

I want to change the world, and do something valuable and beautiful. I want people to remember me before I'm dead, and then more afterwards.

My life is just a series of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents.

Life’s never a postcard of life, is it? It never feels like how you’d want it to look.

I like threesomes with two women, not because I'm a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I'm a romantic. I'm looking for "The One." And I'll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time.

The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of day with some purchased relief.

People don't realize that the future is just now, but later.

All penguins are the same below the surface, which I think is as perfect an analogy as we're likely to get for the futility of racism.

I know that's the sort of thing people say and I really hate it when people say the sort of things people say. I always think, 'You don't mean that, you just think it sounds good.

Turns out it was mostly a lie. But, at least for a short while, it was a beautiful one.

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

I get fixated when I'm bleeding -- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When I cut myself, the drama of it calms me down.

Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.

Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.

When you fall in love you recognise you're not the most important person in the world, and your focus becomes another person.

I didn't cross the line, you drew it in after I traversed it.

I missed him, of course, but sometimes close friendships have a tidal beat that pulls you towards different shores though the ocean that connects you remains.

What was alien was being ordinary, being humdrum, being trapped into appeasing...having to crush and stifle my opinions, not being allowed to be brilliant, tricking myself into mediocrity.