"At some point in your life, if you're lucky, you throw practicality to the wind and start living."

"It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners."

"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"

"Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, "How good or how bad am I?" That's where courage comes in."

"I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. . . ."

"It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: "THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE." Loosely translated, this means, "You're on your own, Bernice."

"As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her."

"A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory -- an empty bottle of gin."

"I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture."

"The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to drop?"

"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."

"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned, it's full of surprises."

"Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed."

"Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."

"The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste"

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"Never order food in excess of your body weight."

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."

"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."

"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

"For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward."

"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."

"When humor goes, there goes civilization."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."

"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."

"Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old."

"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."

"Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown."

"House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad."

"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?"

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"