"I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people"

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"Your ignorance cramps my conversation"

"I must say the Senator's victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else. [on JFK's electoral victory]"

"Of audiences: they were really tough - they used to tie their tomatoes on the end of a yo-yo, so they could hit you twice"

"The program is nearly over! I can feel the audience is still with me but if I run faster I can shake them off"

"When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness."~"

"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?"

"He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150."

"I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money."

"It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defense Program to prepare our boys for anything"

"I have to much money invested in sweaters."

"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"

"If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."

"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast."

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap."

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."

"Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning."

"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it."

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued."

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."

"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."

"I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!"

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."

"You've got to be rich to have a swing like that."

"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"`I adopted the old Navajo Indian trick of screaming and begging.' Wisecracking in the face of adversity."

"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."

"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there."

"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood."

"If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."

"She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction."

"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness."

"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."