No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Reality: What a concept!

Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.

For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.

Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

The idea of having a steady job is appealing.

Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it.

It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.

Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.

I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre.

I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there.

The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or - the worst dread - you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on.

You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.

The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.

Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.

In America they really do mythologise people when they die.

Performing comedy in San Francisco to begin with is pretty wild. You've got to - you've got the human game preserve to play off of. And it's a lot of great characters everywhere. You work off that, and then you play the rooms, and eventually you get to a point where you're playing a club that is a comedy club, with other comics.