QUOTES by Michael McIntyre
Find most favourite and famour Authors from A.A Milne to Zoe Kravitz.
I was in Starbucks and the person in front of me said: 'Can I have a tall, skinny, black Americano please?' I said: 'Are you ordering coffee or voting in the U.S. elections?'
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Stand-up comedy is what I do, and it's so rewarding. If you write a joke and tell it to an audience of 15,000 people who laugh their heads off at it, it's the best feeling in the world.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I had a great moment with Michael Buble where I asked him if he could teach me to sing like him and he said why we don't sing together, so we did! It was great because my wife and children came to watch his performance.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I don't eat huge amounts, I'm just very lazy. But then this story appeared about me being on a diet and several weeks later I was snapped on holiday with my ''new physique'' on display, which was basically my old physique under a baggy T-shirt. I hadn't been on any diet. But I felt I had to live up to it.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
People have their special room for Christmas. One year my mum left her present on the arm of the sofa and it was still there the following Christmas!
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I don't understand people who write blogs and have children. You can't stop in the middle of bathtime and say: 'I'm just going to write a load of words - for free.' I won't do it - unless someone wants to commission me.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I've been performing stand-up comedy for ten years, it's what I love and will always do.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I was trying to do one-liners and it took me years to realise I just had to be myself. My fear was if I was myself and no one found it funny, I'd have nowhere left to go.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I never felt like I belong to anything - to any groups of friends. I never really had that.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I found the idea of trying to create a show that everyone can enjoy really appealing.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
If I'm honest, I think everything is funny. You've just got to find the right way in. When I'm at my happiest and when I'm really on it, when I feel like I'm really on good form at the moment, everything can be funny.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I'm sure there are comedians who make jokes about me, but say something funny, not mean.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Fame is sexy. And women are meant to find men who are funny sexy. But not me. Absolutely not me. Clearly I just missed the sexy bit.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Women like me. Women love me. But not so my wife need worry. Not in a 'he's so hot' type of way. More in a 'come round for a cup of tea' way.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I just find little things in life funny, it's why I giggle during my shows.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Coming up with your own opinion is hard. When I go to see a movie I don't really know if I enjoyed it, so I ask my wife and listen to people talking on the way out. If they all say it was magnificent I'll agree!
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Australia is fun, but completely exhausting and confusing because I never get on with the different time zone.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
The last thing you want is for people not to care about what you have to say.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Sometimes it's difficult to laugh at certain things but comedy can help.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I would never be rude about somebody else in my profession because we all do this same thing. We're just trying to make people laugh.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Men need to be with women otherwise I don't think they really know how to behave. They'll just stare at me and it's awkward, so I scramble around in my mind to say the rudest things I can think of just to get something out of them.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
I had some terrible times - comparatively speaking. I saddled myself with a load of debt, I wasn't liked by a lot of my fellow comics and I used to blame other people for me not getting a break. But now I realise I just wasn't very good. And as soon as I became good, things took off pretty quickly.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
There's nothing better than having a bright, blinding light in your face and being guided by big, rolling laughter. There's nothing more encouraging than hearing that huge sound. I've waited my whole life to hear that. You come away with the biggest high of your life.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
A responsive crowd is great - they help you see new things in your comedy.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Now I almost overly embrace how weird I am, how I look and how oddly camp I am. It's almost too honest for me because I harboured ambitions to be quite a cool, good-looking guy.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Hard audiences tend to be when it's all men. It's when businesses have dos where they're at conferences all day then book a comedian for the evening. They're men of a certain age - basically middle-aged, balding, 50 to 60 years old and I just know I can't make these people laugh hysterically.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
Our family home, a large house in Hampstead, was sold to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. I remember being told that 'someone who eats bats' was buying it.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre
If you can help it, don't be rude to people. When you're rude about someone and the audience laugh you can't deny that it's a bullying laugh.
Quote by -Michael McIntyre