Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.”

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral. ”

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral. ”

“Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.”

“Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! ”

“To err is human — and to blame it on a computer is even more so.”

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

“I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home.”

“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.”

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”

“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected”

“More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.”

“Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.”

“There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.”

“Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.”

“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.