QUOTES by Robert Orben
Find most favourite and famour Authors from A.A Milne to Zoe Kravitz.
I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.
Quote by -Robert Orben
If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.
Quote by -Robert Orben
We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.
Quote by -Robert Orben
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world
Quote by -Robert Orben
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.
Quote by -Robert Orben
I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature.
Quote by -Robert Orben
You wouldn't want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.
Quote by -Robert Orben
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
Quote by -Robert Orben
If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
Quote by -Robert Orben
Robert Orbenis best known as an American professional comedy writer, though he also worked as a speechwriter for Gerald R. Ford and as a magician. He has written multiple books on comedy, mostly collections of gags and "one-liners" originally written for his newsletter, Orben's Current Comedy, and he has also written books for magicians..
Quote by -Robert Orben
Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
Quote by -Robert Orben
We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
Quote by -Robert Orben
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
Quote by -Robert Orben
It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
Quote by -Robert Orben
The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
Quote by -Robert Orben
Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains.... But it can put mountains where there are none. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Quote by -Robert Orben
For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
Quote by -Robert Orben
I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'
Quote by -Robert Orben
Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.
Quote by -Robert Orben
They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
Quote by -Robert Orben
I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."
Quote by -Robert Orben
Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!
Quote by -Robert Orben
I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?
Quote by -Robert Orben
Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.
Quote by -Robert Orben
When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.
Quote by -Robert Orben
It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.
Quote by -Robert Orben
There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.
Quote by -Robert Orben
Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.
Quote by -Robert Orben