I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

I think there's a definite template for what can be done for the future, but I'm not going to call myself a trailblazer. It didn't seem like a big idea to me: Let people know you appreciate their loyalty, and you say thank you. I was just doing what those punk bands did with fliers. Stand on the corner and say 'Come check us out.' Instead of fliers, it was going to be instant messages and e-mails.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.

You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love on like the same day - even Karen the douche bag falls in love! Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by, “What? The 'tards just got married on their lawn. That's great! I have nobody, and the 'tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of 'tardiness”.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little something that I'm giving to them, a performance that says to them, "I want to try." It's all interconnected. I don't think it's thinking too deeply about it.

Because of what I experienced when I was a kid, I want kids to have that kind of an epiphany moment, that little jolt, that little spark that they see when Dusty ['Planes'] flies higher than he has before. That scene where he flies straight up, and he's starting to get dizzy, and then finally it comes together. We forget as adults. We get jaded and we think that's kids' stuff, but for a kid who doesn't know about anything technical or how a movie is made, they're just going to see this and hear this beautiful score and see this dynamic, fantastical thing happening in front of them.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.