QUOTES by Joan Rivers
Find most favourite and famour Authors from A.A Milne to Zoe Kravitz.
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.'
Quote by -Joan Rivers
You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Quote by -Joan Rivers
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Quote by -Joan Rivers