I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.

I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.

The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job.

I think you do need two terms as a president.

I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.

Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.

Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'

Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.

I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it?

Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.

E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.

I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.

There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.'

I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit.

I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.

Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.

Who would marry me anyway? I'm a handful.

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.

If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.

Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?

Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.

I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.

There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'

I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.

There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.

I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!

My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.

I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times.

You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.

I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.

We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious?

Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.

I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.

My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.

I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.

TMZ is so disgusting.

I think pregnancy is a huge responsibility.

Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.

Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'

I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.

I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.

The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.

I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.

Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.

I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.

I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.

In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.

If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.